Have to keep going...

I have a friend that is great. It is hard because it's a unique friendship. Friendships are important to me so I don't want to lose any. Unfortunately, due to circumstances, personalities, situations, others, etc. the friendship isn't the same and may never be again. It is unfortunate but true. I am really looking within myself to see what is truly going on...am I creating somethings that I don't even realize? Not sure yet, but searching all the same.

Today was a good day...

Today was a good day. Got some things done at work, had a meeting this evening and relaxed tonight. With so much at risk in my life, I feel stuck sometimes. I am waiting to hear what the next step will be. How do I wait but move on at the same time? It is complicated...very complicated.

today is a new day

Today is a new day...I have had several emotions running through my head/heart for several days now. I am angry, scared, brave, lonely and ready to face the world all at the same time! I wrote a poem...not sure how good it is but here it is:
"Alone in the dark, looking for light;
No where to turn, no one in sight;
Sad, scared, determined but void, swirling together like a tornado.
I'm hurt, I'm angry, I'm frozen - doesn't anyone see or know?
My heart's filled with anger, I know that is true danger
but how do I fix this? How do I move?
The scars, they run deep, too deep to soothe.
Wait - I see light; but where does it lead?
Will it free me, be what I need?
There's a door in front of me,
Why won't I open it, what will I see?
I prefer to stay in the dark, something that feels secure;
Not take a chance on the unknown, not feel so unsure.
How stupid it sounds as it's voiced in the air,
As I sit all alone in this pit of dispair.
As I sit here and decide what my next step will be -
Know this! No matter what happens, I will always be me!"

I am 44 and facing so many large hurdles. What am I doing? Why am I here? This is NOT what I signed up for. Not at all! But here I am...

A New Beginning...

I have decided to start fresh. Hit reset if you will. I have deleted all of my old posts so I can start new. I don't want to compare to yesterday, I just want to start again. I have to make a difference in my life and hope to make a difference in others as well.

This valley I am walking through is the toughest I have ever been in. I don't understand how to maneuver through this. Either way, I will be scratched and hurt. I just want to make it through. That's all.

I am to the point that I dread the morning...I have NEVER been there. It's not good! How long Lord, how long?